Support toolbox

Supporting someone with cancer

When somebody you love is diagnosed with cancer your whole world changes. The future you had expected is turned upside down and you’re facing a very different life to what you had anticipated.

Maybe that future will still have them in it, sometimes you’re facing a future without them. Either way, things will be different. Nobody plans for their loved one to get cancer, we know the statistics and the numbers, but when it’s your partner, child, parent, friend facing that diagnosis, it will still smash through all of your lives and change everything. Ray of Light is here to support people when this happens. We know how the ripples of cancer can affect people far beyond the one who actually has the diagnosis and we hope to help you to find ways to manage the changes to your life, the feelings you’re experiencing and your worries for the future. We hope you will feel less alone.

We know that when your whole life feels like it’s been turned upside down it can feel incredibly isolating, like you’re the only one in the world who knows what it’s like, so hopefully this will help people feel less alone and see that some of the things they’re feeling are normal reactions to their situation.

Communication in relationships

We all know communication is important – telling people your thoughts and feelings is the only way they can really know your perspective, but that is easier said than done. When you are supporting someone with cancer, you may feel that you have to be the strong one. The person with the diagnosis is the most important person; their feelings, worries, desires are going to come first and mostly you will want to enable them and do whatever you can. Sometimes, when you’re so focused on someone else, the communication between you is damaged.

Communication is integral to any relationship, and when you can’t communicate clearly people can feel unhappy, unloved, scared or rejected. Sometimes it’s not even about big things, maybe they want you to stop fussing and bringing endless cups of tea they don’t want, but for you making them tea is your way of looking after them. If they don’t drink the tea, or tell you they don’t want it, you may end up feeling rejected because for you, it’s not about the bloody tea. You feel that your love and support are being refused. If communication is open and honest, then you may find it easier to know how to show your affection, as cancer may change the ways you can do this.

Wanting to support someone doesn’t mean it’s easy to hear their worries and you may not always feel able to be the support they need. Perhaps they’re worried they’ll die, you probably worry about that too so hearing them talk about it will be difficult. But, just because something is difficult that doesn’t mean it’s not worth trying and actually having that conversation. It may end up bringing a lot of comfort to you both. If you are struggling to communicate then both of you can end up feeling lonelier and more isolated, which is the last thing you want when going through a hard time.

Knowing that communicating your wants and needs clearly is important and actually being able to do so are not the same thing, so here are some suggests for keeping the lines of communication open.

1) Don’t shut a conversation down

If someone says something to you that’s hard to hear, you have to listen. If your loved one mentions their death, do not dismiss it and say something along the lines of “no, you can fight this”. Talking about it will not make it happen. And NOT talking about it won’t stop it, but it may make it harder if it does. You don’t have to have a formal conversation, and if at the moment your loved one mentions it you’re shopping for tinned tomatoes and just can’t bear it at that moment then tell them, but promise to talk about it soon. Just something like “I know you need to talk about this, but right now we can’t give it the attention we want, so can we wait until we are home/in the car etc”. Then BRING IT UP. Don’t wait for them to try again, they may not.

2) Know they worry about you too

It can be easy to dismiss your own feelings and focus completely on the person with the diagnosis, but in any relationship you both have to communicate. It’s important that you don’t dismiss your own feelings. They will know you’re scared, worried and sad (and probably a million other emotions every day) so it’s worth expressing these. It’s not top trumps. You’re allowed good days and bad days; you just need to let people know if you’re having a bad day and how you’re feeling.

3) Find what works for you

Some people need to plan to have serious conversations, some would rather they are more spontaneous. You need to know how the other person likes to communicate and what the works for them, and to do this, you also need to know what works for you. Sitting down and discussing something might feel a bit too much, so maybe chatting while you do something else will work better. A lot of people say they find it easier to have serious conversations in the car, when you’re side by side and don’t have to sit facing each other.
Communication is essential in any relationship, but that doesn’t mean it’s always straight forwards, especially when things are difficult. Keep talking, keep trying.

Helping Children to understand

When a parent or adult relative gets diagnosed with cancer, it can be hard to know what to tell children. Depending on how old they are affects how well they are going to understand anything complicated you try to tell them, but even a very young child will be able to understand some aspects of a cancer diagnosis so being open and honest is the best route to take. Children of all ages are very perceptive and are likely to fill in any blanks that they don’t know. This can be scarier than the reality sometimes and as a result it’s important to make sure children feel able to ask questions. Kids know when something’s wrong and it’s important that they trust you to tell them what’s going on.

The importance of routine

Try to keep routines, children may act up and naughty behaviour is an expression of worry and upset. This doesn’t mean it should be ignored or allowed and some children benefit from rules being maintained. This provides stability in uncertain times for them.

Most children have some idea of what being unwell means, but when explaining cancer, it is important to clarify that it is sick in a very different way. It can be scary if they think everyone who gets ill can need to go to hospital or have operations. Using the word cancer can be very important and helpful in this circumstance as distinguishes from other illnesses.

On the whole, children want to know how things will affect them in the immediate future; for example, if the person who normally takes them to school is the one who is ill, they may want to know who is going to take them instead. If you’re worried about someone’s health, this may seem selfish, but remember that children don’t always see things in the same way you do.

The way you tell them is important

Sitting down and telling children everything in one go may be too much for them to cope with, so it can be better to tell them the main thing:

“Mum is very sick and has to have some treatment. It will be very difficult and she will be tired/poorly etc for a long time. She has something called cancer which is when some of the parts of the body don’t do what they are supposed to. It is nobody’s fault that she has got cancer. She may not be able to play with you/take you to school/cook your dinner, but she still loves you very much”.

They may have questions, or they may not. Young children are often incredibly resilient and will return to playing games immediately after, but then may want to ask questions or be very upset at different times. If you tell them everything at once it can be very overwhelming, although you may wish you could get it all done in one go. Older children will be able to understand more information and may have an understanding of cancer already. This is likely to create more questions and they may ask if the person will die. Be prepared to answer these questions and try and think about what you will say. It is best to say “we don’t know” to any questions you can’t answer.

Children will often need things repeating and may seem to forget. This is how they learn and understand so it can be worth reiterating when necessary. For example, if they are visiting a grandparent with cancer they may need reminding on the day that their granny is very poorly and will not be able to play with them, or they cannot sit on her lap.

Involve them

Some children will benefit from having some responsibilities in this time. This can be dependent on their age and capability. For example, you could ask a child to help with brushing a wig, making a cup of tea in the morning, or drawing a picture to take to treatment with the family member. Having a responsibility and task can help them feel included and a part of the process.

Specialist help

If you are trying to explain to a child that someone is going to die there are specialist resources available that may help, as well as bereavement support.

https://www.cruse.org.uk/get-help/for-parents/childrens-understanding-of-death

https://www.mariecurie.org.uk/help/support/diagnosed/talking-children/children